Are you tired of being told, "It's not all about feelings!". . . and wondering with frustration why the speaker couldn't instead have mentioned something it IS about, something you could look for? I've received this little tidbit of information unsolicited many times when relationships became the topic of conversation around me. Enter Gary Thomas with his book The Sacred Search: What If It's Not About Who You Marry, But Why? Wow, what a breath of fresh air!
"Most people marry on the basis of perceived happiness, but few remain happy for very long. And yet, every year, hundreds of thousands of couples think they can be different, so they base their decisions on the same premise: we 'feel' something special, we seem to be happy together, we're generally compatible, so let's get married." ~Gary Thomas
Gary relates stories other couples have experienced as he walks his readers through a number issues, questions, and ideas singles should consider before committing to someone for a lifetime. He shares the origins of the "soul mate" concept, the science of infatuation, and the questions we should really be asking ourselves before moving forward with someone. Gary shares problems he's seen arise as well as success stories and what lead to each. Just as there are personality types, there are marriage types and not everyone is looking for the same thing. What's your type and what types is it compatible with? The author also reminds us that we don't always want what we think we want(!) and guides us in considering what will be important to us for several decades of life with another person.
"If you don't deal honestly with this discrepancy--what you value now, and what you'll value ten years from now--you're setting yourself up to live with many regrets. Making a wise marital choice begins with giving proper weight to more significant issues--a shared mission and character traits that will bless you or plague you for the next five or six decades--rather than sexual chemistry or romantic intensity that will fade within months." ~Gary Thomas
I love the practicality and honesty of this book. No "sign the paper and hope for the best" or "marry whomever takes your fancy and make the best of it" attitude. Rather, a reminder of the level of commitment, exhortation to consider carefully and ask the hard questions first, and guidance to get started in the right direction.
I'm in two minds about whether this book would be better with more time given to considering what marriage is before getting into the why; that would be a better order to consider things and give a more solid foundation for the rest of the content, but it may be difficult to adequately cover that briefly so perhaps a separate volume entirely is a better option. I didn't agree with everything said, and suggesting to marry in order to avoid sin is something I think we need to be very careful with. The concept as presented I'm willing to agree may have some merit, but it comes very close to suggesting we look to another human as our saviour from sin, a dangerous and idolatrous place we don't want to go! We have one Saviour from sin who gave us one way to salvation. The solution to sin is always the cross; we mustn't view or present marriage as a substitute.
Overall, I'm grateful to have found this book and it is a must-read for anyone considering marriage--and before you're even considering someone specifically would be excellent. It also would provide valuable insight and ideas for anyone who knows someone thinking about marriage. With this knowledge you can move beyond the old "Is he cute?" and ask questions that will be both interesting and helpful to those you interact with.
The Sacred Search is available for purchase here:
